To Kate
by lovexxliz
Summary: AU. Castle has a brain tumour and needs surgery. When he doesn't wake up for a few days after the surgery, Beckett discovers that he had left her little notes all across the city for her to re-explore their story and distract herself from not knowing if he will ever wake up again.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey :)**  
 **I'm quite excited since this is my first mulitchapter fic for Castle. I would really appreciate feedback, suggestions, idea etc. since I of course do have a general plan about where I'm going with this story but I am completely open to and happy to receive input :)**

 **Hope you enjoy this first chapter :)**

* * *

The nurse stops the cart right in front of the double-door that will lead them into the restricted area, stepping away a little to give them room to talk privately before he will be wheeled inside.  
Kate swallows painfully, inching closer to where her husband is laying, wiggling his fingers for her to wrap hers around him. She intertwines their hands and holds onto his larger one as tightly as she possibly can, wanting to be close to him before he will be rolled on the other side of the door, leaving her hoping and praying.

"Come here" he murmurs, using his other hand to gently tug on a strained of her hair, bringing her face closer to his. She comes willingly, nuzzling her nose in the crook of his neck, and there behind the smell of hospital that never fails to shower her in cold chills that run though her whole body, there it is - his signature smell of after-shave, paired with shower foam and his natural scent.  
She lets her senses be engulfed in him for a moment, trying to breathe around the huge knot forming inside her throat.

"Hey" he whispers, effectively bringing her out of the rising panic and making her meet his eyes.  
"I will be okay" he tries to reassure her but the flicker of sheer fear in his eyes tells her otherwise, yet she smiles at him because right now he needs her, not the other way round.

They had been knowing for months this moment would come but there had been no way to prepare for it. Ever since they had gotten the news of him having a brain tumour that turned their whole life upside down, she had been trying to hide her fear for the sake of him. Tried to swallow the waves of panic, terrified she would lose him but never wanting to show any of it to not make him rethink his choice of having the surgery.

The doctors had been clear from the very beginning: he would die if they allowed the tumour to spread further and having surgery was a considerable but highly dangerous option. Upon hearing how the chances of him surviving it were standing, he had immediately opted for not having the surgery, wanting to spend as much time as he had left with Kate, his mistrust in doctors too high for him to believe they would actually be able to get him through surgery without him ending up having any major deficits if he even survived at all.

Kate had managed to convince him to have the surgery eventually though, telling him that if there was a chance he was going to survive this there was no way she would be able to live without having tried beating the odds.

And so here they are, foreheads pressed together, lips touching so lightly it wouldn't even be considered a kiss. She starts to whisper his name but he cuts her off by pressing his lips to hers more firmly, shaking his head slightly.  
"I know" he gives back and by the way his voice gives in a little she realises that he actually does know.  
Knows that their story isn't over yet and that she will kill him if he doesn't survive the surgery, and the irony of that almost makes them smile a little. Knows that she loves him with all of her heart and that she will never be able nor will want to love anyone as much ever again.  
He knows all of it because he feels it too, with the never ending force that comes with their relationship that is built on so much more than simple attraction.

"No goodbye" he reminds her softly and she meets his eyes again.

"No goodbye" she confirms but when she lets her hand touch his cheek and their lips meet one last time before it's time for him to go, it surely does feel like one.  
She grabs his hand again, holding onto it even as the nurse starts unlocking the brakes to the cart. He doesn't let his gaze drop from his wife's face, mouthing "I love you", only for her eyes to see and her heart to feel, which she repeats to him and not saying it out loud feels so intimate it send little shocks to her heart, that turn into arrows the moment she realises this might be the last time they -  
"hey" he interrupts her train of thoughts, the nurse already starting to open the doors.

"See you on the other side" he gives her a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. She sighs softly, not loud enough for him to hear.

"See you on the other side" she confirms as he is being pushed through the door and the last things she feels before the tears start dropping from her eyes is the soft glide of his hand leaving hers.

 **Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think about it :)**

 **Lea**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey :)**

 **First of all, thank you all so much for reviewing, following and favouriting this story, it honestly keeps me motivated and inspired, so thank you!**  
 **Here is chapter two, I hope you enjoy reading it, I definitely enjoyed writing it :)**

* * *

It has been three days.

Three days filled with doctors telling her it wasn't unusual for brain surgery patients to not wake up immediately. Three days filled with the pitying stares of family members of patients in the rooms next to her husband's. Three days of tears that wouldn't fall, of heart rates that sped up after waking up from an accidental nap. Three days of anxious nail and lip biting.

And three days of the worst form of torture there is - waiting.

Kate puts two quarters in the vending machine, patiently waiting for the brown liquid to poor into the ugly grey plastic cup. She takes her coffee, staying in the hallway next to the cafeteria a while longer, not exactly rushing to see her husband hooked onto several tubes, the sound of beeping machines filling the discomforting room. Not that staying here for five more minutes would change anything about their situation. So straightening her spine, she takes a deep breath, enjoying the smell of her favourite drink before eventually walking back onto floor 4.

Upon approaching his room, she hears voices talking and absentmindedly wonders who it could be since Martha and Alexis had already been there this morning.

"Beckett" Ryan pokes his head out of Castle's room door and waves to get her attention. She brightens a little at the thought of having someone to sit with, maybe helping her drown out the thoughts haunting her mind ever since the apologising face of his doctor told her he wasn't awake yet.

"Ryan" she forces a smile, hugging him faintly, "how are you doing?"

"I think the better question is, how are _you_ holding up?" he asks, concern painting his features. She shrugs slightly, not wanting him to pity her but also not going to lie. "I don't know. I just feel so useless, there's nothing I can do but sit here all day, praying for him to wake up." He nods in sympathy. "That is part of why I am here" Ryan confesses, suddenly seeming really interesting in his hands.

"We got a new case, it's a light one but we're kind of stuck and if you want to come back we could really use your help. Thought maybe you need the distraction." He looks at her warily.  
"Light one?" she echoes, prompting him to explain.

"Well, gunshot wound to the head, the usual, nothing gruesome or any of that kind." Beckett's eyes narrow.  
"You call that light?"  
"No, well maybe light wasn't the right choice of-"  
"How can you even think that, let alone say it to me? Someone is dead. Never waking up again. Never coming back. And you stand there saying it's light? Did you also tell that their next of kin?" Ryan instinctively takes a step back.  
"Of course we didn't, I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I just-"  
"You just what? Came here to try to get me out of the hospital, out of the place where my husband is laying?" "We just thought you needed a little dis-" "Distraction from what? From the last days I might have with my husband being semi-alive? From what do you think I need distraction? I got it handled, you know? I don't need you to show up here and tell me what to do."

That doctor who had been checking up on Castle chooses that moment to exit the room again, obviously having overheard parts of the conversation that is taking place in the hallway. "I am sorry but I couldn't help but listening and maybe he" he gestures to Ryan "is right. You have been sitting here for three days now, maybe a little time outside our walls would clear your mind?" he smiles at Beckett in a supposed-to-be encouraging manner.

"You wanna know why I have been sitting here for three days?" Kate pinches the bridge of her nose and if Castle were there he would know that this paired with the throbbing vein on her forehead were sure warning symbols to run away before the Beckett storm was about to unload. "I know you are concerned about your husband, Mrs. Castle, but I can assure you right now there's nothing to be scared of because we have-"

"There's nothing to be scared of?" her hands fall to her side, her fingers sticking forward in disbelief. "How can you have the audacity to stand here and tell me nothing is wrong? How dare you to to even suggest I leave my husband? How on earth can you smile every single time you go into that room to check on my husband when you know he is dying?" she spats the last words.

"Kate" Ryan's voice sounds from the other side and she turns around too fast, her eyes shooting daggers at him. "What?" she snaps, the vein on her forehead still throbbing furiously but her eyes blink too fast and if Castle were here he would know what to do. He would know how to hold her, how to keep her from crying. Heck, if Castle were there she wouldn't even be in this situation.

"Come here" Ryan says, motioning to himself. She shakes her head in disbelief.  
"You come here, telling me to fucking leave my husband alone to die, he" she gestures to the doctor who is standing there helplessly "he dares to tell me three days mean nothing when they mean everything. You know that."

Ryan nods his head. "I know Kate and that is why I am here. I'm sorry, it was stupid of me to assume you would come with me, I should have known better." His eyes look sincere as he apologises.

And suddenly, just like the storm had come it's starting to disappear again, leaving Kate in the middle of the hallway, with nothing but emptiness.

"Kevin, what if he dies?" she whispers just loud enough for his ears and her voice cracks traitorously. Ryan closes the distance between them, engulfing her in a hug and she tries to fight it at first because if she lets him hug her, she's sure she won't be able to stop the tears. "What if he dies?" she repeats and suddenly the dam breaks and the first tear starts to fall.

And just like that her body decides to stop fighting it because she hasn't really been sleeping ever since Castle got admitted and she hadn't been able to cry at all until this very moment. "Shhh it's okay" Ryan whispers when she stars to hug him back, clinging onto him for dear life. It is probably not the wisest thing of him to say but for the moment it's enough. He makes eye contact with the still stunned doctor, silently telling him to leave.

He holds her, letting her tears slowly soak his suit and they stand like that for a few minutes before moving over to sit on the floor, somehow never stopping to hug. It is surreal and under normal circumstances she would be uncomfortable hugging anyone but her husband this long but this is not normal and somehow it helps and so when the sobs die down, she doesn't hang her head in shame but looks over to Ryan, giving him a teary, worn out smile and he smiles right back at her.

* * *

When she gets home that night, Ryan had managed to convince her to find some comfort in her own bed, she feels like she's run two marathons at once. The hospital had sworn they would call her as soon as he so much as moved his little finger so there was nothing she could do.

As she unlocks the door to the loft, she sees Martha sitting at the kitchen island, a glass of red clutched in her hand, the other one slowly massaging her temple. Upon hearing the door, she looks up, seeing Kate's face, the exhaustion clearly painted into her features.

"Oh darling" she rushes over before Beckett can even think about removing her jacket and wraps her arms around her daughter-in-law. "I'm so glad you decided to come back for the night, we can go in tomorrow as early as you'd like." Beckett gathers enough strength to give the older woman a smile, thanking her before moving to their bedroom.

She finishes her nightly routine in a trance before slipping under the sheets that still smell like him. Like them. Just when she wants to switch of the bedside lamp, there is a soft knock at the door.

She calls out that it's open and Martha sticks her head in.  
"I'm sorry I'm bothering you so late but I promised him." Kate looks at her with confused eyes. "Richard gave me something before he left and I didn't want to give it to you because I wasn't sure if it would cause you to get more upset but I promised him" she gives a watery smile "and I raised my son to keep his promises so I will keep mine as well."  
She offers Beckett an envelope which she takes quickly.

"Goodnight darling" Martha quickly brushes a hand over the covers.  
"Goodnight" Beckett repeats, not really listening because she had caught sight of the words on the envelope in her hands and she waits for the door to close again before fully looking at it.

It's white with nothing but two words in the middle.

Two words that somehow shatter her heart into pieces because she might never be able to hear him say her name ever again.  
Two words she had seen on little sticky notes on her bedside table when he got up early in the morning after finding inspiration.  
Two words in his handwriting:

 _To Kate_

 **Thank you so much for reading, please let me know how you liked this chapter because like I said, your feedback really inspires me. Thank you again, I wish you all a lovely day (or night, depending on where you are)**

 **Lea**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all so much for the feedback I am so happy you like it and reading your words makes my days better. Please keep them coming :)**

 **So here is chapter three, I hope you enjoy it! I know I only just started this story and I have a long journey ahead of me but I'm so grateful you're joining me on this. Thank you.**

* * *

Her hands shake when she opens the letter, desperately trying to prepare to cherish every single word that this letter contains for her because there was no way can she be certain these aren't the last word she'd ever hear or read from him.

She carefully, almost embarrassingly slow, takes out the white paper within the envelope and unfolds it, staring at the lines of words that become blurry in front of her eyes.  
She takes a deep breath, forcing her eyes to focus on the words he had dedicated to her and starts reading.

 _Kate,_

 _when you are holding this letter in your hands it means I haven't woken up for three days now. As the doctors told me when I decided to have the surgery, it doesn't mean anything bad necessarily, just that my brain isn't ready yet to function on its own again. But I know you and I know that if the roles were reversed I would not be able to think about anything else but you. Heck, I can't even think about anything else but you everyday since I met you. So to make your days a little more bearable until I wake up, I have left you little notes throughout the whole city for you to search for every day. Maybe you're rolling your eyes right now but humour me and try it. Hiding them made me relive every step we ever took, every decision we ever made and every single minute we spent together and I loved every second of it. I love our story and I am eager to continue it when I wake up again. I can't promise you that I will because we both know that is not in my power to do and I would never promise you anything I can't keep. But I do know and promise you this: I will do everything in my power to return to you. Kate, I loved you with everything I have, I love you right at this exact moment and I will love you forever. And I know that I miss you terribly right now because there is no way I wouldn't. I am excited to hear about your adventures around the city everyday because according to research I did, I can hear you subconsciously even when I am not awake. I will never give up on us, on you, on my life and on the future we are going to have together. You are my life and I love you with everything I have._

 _All my love,_

 _Rick_

Kate raises her hand to her cheek to wipe away the hot tears that had freely flown over her cheeks without her even realising. She blinks twice, trying to sort her thoughts again but all she can think about is him.

How his words made him seem so positive to wake up and how this positivity had managed to make a way into her heart while she had read the letter. But now that she'd consumed every single word he'd written for her it hits her again and with a different kind of force how much she misses him with every fibre of her body.

If she is being honest, going out, cruising through New York doesn't sound as inviting right now as all she wants to do is curl up and fall asleep until they both wake up again.  
But he had planned all this for her, hid the notes weeks before he went to have the surgery, thought about how she would feel like if he didn't wake up immediately after the surgery and wanted her to be distracted to forget about the voices in her head telling her that he actually might never wake up ever again. So despite her fear of having to move through the busy streets of New York with her whole body aching from the exhaustion of missing him she know that of course she will follow his lead. Not only because he'd put so much effort into it but because she desperately needs something of his since she obviously misses the safe haven of his body but most of all she misses his words. The way he manages to make her laugh and smile and not give up no matter how much shit rained down on her. On them.

Knowing there is still something of him out there, something that she hasn't read and seen yet makes him seem so much more alive than the tubes down his throat do.

She neatly folds the letter again and starts putting it back into the envelope when she sees the smaller note hidden inside. She quickly pulls it out, opening it to reveal a few lines in his handwriting.

 _#1 - Wherever I am right know, I am 100% sure I miss working with you. I miss sitting in my chair and spinning theories with you. - Rick_

She stares at the note. If she didn't have proof before that he was serious about the notes she does now.  
And while she had wondered at first how to find the next note she now realises he had planned a kind of scavenger hunt for her and she doesn't even try to suppress the smile that spreads on her lips as she thinks about him getting all excited while writing the directions for her.

This idea screams more Castle to her than the seemingly lifeless body in the white sterile hospital bed does and it's soothing if she is being honest.

The thoughts about him being in a coma are still louder than anything else but she feels a weird kind of comfort through all the misery upon reading his words and imagining his voice.

She puts the note on her nightstand and turns off the lights and the last thing she thinks before she falls asleep in their bed maybe with the help of his notes she might actually survive not knowing for a few more days without completely going insane.

* * *

This plan fails as soon as she arrives at the hospital and sees the doctor and a few nurses fussing over her husband, adjusting tubes, whispering and she can't see him, can't see his face, can't see if he is still breathing and panic flares inside her.

It is not helping at all when the doctor leans over to one of the nurses and Beckett hears him saying: „Call his wife please, I promised to call her if anything happens."  
Her heart breaks into a million pieces when she can make out his expression that is more concerned than relieved and her mind immediately jumps to the worst conclusions.

„No need to call me, I am here. What happened?" she makes her presence known, stepping closer until she can see Castle's face.  
The tubes are still working, the monitor beeping and showing his heart rate and she sends a silent thank you to whoever is watching over him up there because this means he is still alive. Well, his body is.

„Mrs. Castle" the doctor says „I don't want you to worry, but" she huffs at that, because who on this planet does not get worried upon hearing this sentence, „your husband went into cardiac arrest shortly before you arrived. He is stable now though and we got it under control but we will monitor him even more closely from now on to make sure it was a one time thing."

All colour leaves her face and for a second she is convinced she will either faint or throw up within the next seconds, the blood rushing in her ears and the doctor says something else but she can't hear him.

For some reason, she stays conscious and her stomach keeps its ingredients and if she weren't so worried she might wonder how on earth her mood managed to change that fast from completely broken to insanely angry but even if she cared she's pretty sure she would be excused for that. So when the panic settles into a constant churning of her stomach and she looks at the doctor's face again, white hot anger flares through her.

„Oh so apparently the fact that my husband had brain surgery and hasn't woken up ever since is not concerning enough for you? His heart has to STOP before you get the idea that maybe something is wrong and maybe you should do something instead of just standing here telling me not to worry because my husband is dying on your watch right now."

Her voice breaks at the end and just as the doctor is starting to say something again, Martha comes inside after having found a parking lot and places her hand on Kate's shoulder in an attempt of comforting the detective even though Kate can feel Martha's hands trembling on her.

„Katherine, I know you are sick with worry, we all are, but these doctors are really trying their best."  
She points to the monitor that is showing Castle's heartrate. „Look, his heart is beating, he is alive, he is stable for now" she looks to the doctor as if needing confirmation and he nods his head faster than is probably healthy in an attempt to not upset Beckett any further.

She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose to calm herself down and takes a deep breath, trying to be reasonable before she fucks up the chance of getting to hold her husband's hand today.

„Can I see him?"

„Of course" the remaining nurses step away to make room for her and she approaches his bed, carefully touching his hand with hers and when she looks to the door she can see Martha ushering the nurses out before closing the door.

She turns her attention back to Castle.

„I won't give up on you" she whispers and feels a little ridiculous because he probably can't even hear her but then she remembers his letter and his research and decides to give it a try.

„I am scared Rick. I am so scared" she takes a deep breath "and I love you and I need you to wake up again because I love you." She shakes a little before remembering the letter she stuffed into her purse this morning before leaving for the hospital.

„Thank you for your letter. It helped me and I promise I will try to find all your notes. I will also come here everyday to check upon you but I hope you won't take too long to wake up because I don't have that many vacation days left" she tries to go for humor.

„And because I know it's only been four days but living without you was never and will never be an option, do you hear me?" she adds and her hand shakes a little over his as she smiles a watery smile through the tears that start forming in her eyes.

She hesitates for a moment because she's scared of what it will do to her before leaning over his body and kissing his cheek carefully.

The moment her lips meet his skin, her first tear starts to fall.

* * *

 **I would love to see and hear what you think about this chapter so please let me know because like I said it's inspiring to read your words! They are so appreciated :)**

 **Have an amazing night/day,**

 **Lea xx**


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